Beyond the Grief

Where do I begin? Grief is such a personal and emotive subject, that can be completely overwhelming, sad and heavy. It can feel so isolating and paralysing sometimes. Sure, grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering we feel when something or someone we love is taken away.  I know for me I am experiencing all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions, from shock or anger to disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness. The pain of grief can also disrupt our physical health, making it difficult to sleep, eat, or even think straight. These are normal reactions to loss—and the more significant the loss, the more intense your grief will be. 

So why am I writing about grief you ask? Some of you may know I recently underwent my 3rd IVF cycle and while I was a bundle of nerves throughout, my mindset and self care were my absolute focus. I cannot begin to tell you the difference it made for me this time round. Of course nothing went to plan and in fact often things came about quite quickly and unexpectedly so. I rolled with it (despite being a control freak) and was immensely proud of my decision to follow my heart and go after what I have longed for. It was tough on me physically this time round and I took it all in my stride. 

I cannot tell you how proud I was of myself to receive a positive pregnancy test (cue tears of joy). I shared my amazing news with my family who were a little reluctant with me undergoing IVF but were happy for me. I felt my body changing and felt my little ones presence as my innards began to stretch. It is amazing what the body is capable of and I was in awe everyday as I felt my body change and the pregnancy symptoms come along. Relishing in finally reaching my long term goal I connected with my maternal energy to aid my embryos development. 

Fast forward two weeks and after a third blood test my hormone (HCG) levels while were initially slowly rising were now dropping. Surely this couldn't be happening? It was! My first question to the nurse was "what can I do?". The response left my heart sinking - there was absolutely nothing I could do, and even worse what I would now be facing is a miscarriage in the coming days. Crashing quickly I felt my whole just collapse. Bursting into tears I began to shake and feel a surge of overwhelming energy rise from my stomach and stick in my chest. This was the worst news possible.   

I should mention when I received the dreaded phone call I was losing my babies I was at work. Blessed with supportive colleagues and manager I headed home to grieve. What a roller coaster ride that has been! I think I was in shock for the first couple of days and just trying to manage the intense physical pain. Boy was that painful, my body felt battered and tired. Intermittently cue the tears and overwhelming sadness. There were times when I thought the tears would never stop and felt life was just plain unfair. I fought so hard to fall pregnant and yet it was now being taken away from me, how could life be so cruel? 

Reading the stages of grief, I did hold our hope that maybe one of the two embryos would survive by some miracle. As the days have passed that hope is swindling if I am honest. Now sadness and lose remains. I feel cheated and can't help but wonder why and if there was something I could have done? Ironic my business is about mentality and here I am struggling at the moment (note the ugly crying pic). The irony is not lost on me. 

So where to from here? 

Vulnerability is an uncomfortable space for me at times, none more so than now. What I have done is allow the tears to flow, feel the emotions as they come and sit with them rather than pushing them away. Comforting my body physically with nutritious food and warming tea to nourish the physical pain. Reaching out to a close friend for support and equally spending time with myself to process what is happening. I do have to admit the desire to lock myself away in the darkness is becoming stronger and the joy of sitting out in the sunshine even for an hour has been invigorating. 

Searching for answers I came across

https://www.instagram.com/pinkelephantssupport/ and https://www.instagram.com/fertilitysupportau/ with all too familiar stories. At least I wasn't alone, although I do have to admit I do at times feel like I am. This is all still very raw for me and felt it was important to share what is my mentality at the moment. I know it won't be an easy road to recovery and healing and thank you for hearing my story xo